Back To Before
by Jo. T
Summary: Sam fic. Further down the line from SGTE, SGTJ Sam’s life changes more as things back home cross the bridge of the country
1. Back To Before: Part 1

TITLE: Back To Before  
  
AUTHOR: Jo T  
  
GENRE: Angsty Drama  
  
RATING: PG - some language but nothing stronger than you would find in the show itself.  
  
SUMMARY: Further down the line from SGTE, SGTJ; Sam's life changes more as things back home cross the bridge of the country  
  
FEEDBACK: Good, bad or indifferent, all feedback helps and is gratefully received, meetjoynoone@yahoo.co.uk  
  
ARCHIVE: Sure, would be an honour, just let me know where.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Much as I would love them to be mine, the characters alas do not belong to me, I'm simply borrowing them to have a little fun. Included in PART 2 are also some excerpts from SGTE, SGTJ, which obviously do not belong to me either.  
  
SPOILERS: Just to be on the safe side, I would say anything up to and including Season 3.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: As bizarre as some of this may sound, it is actually loosely based on real life events, the finer details and obviously Sam's reaction to things is not real but the scenario happened and this was just me getting a few things off my chest.  
  
Just one other thing, want to apologise to a degree because of the lack of description, but I wanted the focus to be the characters and the dialogue, plus I'm assuming familiarity with the setting and stuff.  
  
O.K. Enough of my ranting, here goes!  
  
PART 1  
  
"Sam? Sam?" Deputy Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman called as he scoured the Communications Bullpen full of frantic activity, for the Deputy Communications Director, Sam Seaborn. "Sam?" Josh peered into Sam's dimly lit office but all he could see were mountains of files covering his desk, shelves bowing under the weight of files and boxes full of files piled high on every free surface. Josh was looking in a state of mind that was so frantic it almost matched his wild hair and he failed to notice the looming figure of Press Secretary, C.J. Cregg approach him from behind.  
  
"Woah, Josh. Where's the fire? The Mural Room?"  
  
"Very funny Claudia Jean. I need Sam!"  
  
"Anything I need to know about? Though I gotta say, it doesn't come as too much of a surprise."  
  
"Huh? Wait. Oh. That is not funny, C.J. and I'm not kidding, I really need Sam."  
  
"What's wrong mi compadre?"  
  
"I gotta find Sam. I need him to take a meeting with me. I've been set up."  
  
"Who by?"  
  
"By whom!" Corrected Toby Ziegler as he came out of his office. "And why is there all this fuss outside my office. Can't you take it somewhere else?"  
  
"No, Tobias, we cannot, as I am here to see you and my friend Josh, here, is looking for your elusive deputy because he's been set up, and here I am guessing, and it is only a guess mind you, that Samuel is in some way responsible or that he is needed to help extinguish the fire that has been lighted under Joshua."  
  
"What the hell, C.J.?" Toby turned his attention to Josh. "And you; have you been playing with kerosene in the Mural Room again?"  
  
"No. Let me be absolutely clear on that, no. I have not caused damage to any government property whatsoever!"  
  
"So what's your problem?" asked Toby.  
  
"Mrs. Bartlet has arranged a meeting for me. She's having a little fun with me."  
  
"What kind of wise-ass thing did you say to her?"  
  
"I didn't Toby, well, at least nothing I can think of, anyway." Toby raised his eyebrows. "Can you believe it? The First Lady organising such things to have some personal amusement at my expense!"  
  
"I can't understand why she would want to pick you. I mean, who could possibly find it amusing to pop a pin into your quite frankly over-inflated ego?" Toby sniggered.  
  
"You've still not told us who you're meeting with."  
  
"With whom you are meeting." Corrected Toby. C.J. shot him a most piercing glare, Toby shrugged in response.  
  
"Amy Gardner. The First Lady has organised a meeting for me and Amy Gardner."  
  
"And you need Sam to save you from alienating every single woman in the country?" asked Toby.  
  
"No. I need him to come agree with me."  
  
"I could sit in your meeting with you if you can't find Sam."  
  
"No thanks, C.J."  
  
"It would be interesting. Besides, I owe you one after that time you sat through my meeting with the Cartographers for Social Equality."  
  
"Ceej, it's fine, really. You don't have to do that. Besides, didn't you hear me say I wanted someone who would agree with me and you, most definitely would not."  
  
"I might. What's it about?"  
  
"You wouldn't. It doesn't matter. Now, if you could just point me in the direction of Sam."  
  
"He's in his office." Said Toby.  
  
"He's really not, Toby. I've already looked in there." "I'm telling you, Josh, he's in there. He's probably hiding behind a stack of files. He's just had a large delivery and he has to read the whole lot by the week's end."  
  
"He's in there?"  
  
"Yes, he is. Now C.J. What did you want me for?"  
  
Josh walked all the way into Sam's office and looked round.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Yeah?" a disembodied voice replied from behind a very large stack of files on the desk.  
  
"I was calling for you a bit ago."  
  
"Huh?" Josh moved around the desk so he could see his friend.  
  
"Sam, didn't you hear me calling for you?"  
  
"No. I was just on the phone. I had a call."  
  
"O.K."  
  
"I was talking to my Mom. She had some news."  
  
"Do you wanna talk about it?"  
  
"What do you need?"  
  
"I wanted you to sit in a meeting with me; the First Lady's having a little fun at my expense."  
  
"She set you up with Amy Gardner again, huh?"  
  
"Yep. Wanted to operate the buddy system. Safety in numbers, you know?"  
  
"Sure. I'll help you out there. What time are you meeting with her?"  
  
"In about a half hour. We got time to grab a coffee first. You could, you know, tell me about your news or something."  
  
"Sure. What's the meeting about?"  
  
"A woman thing, you know the sort of thing Mrs. Bartlet usually sets Amy on to me about."  
  
"O.K."  
  
"You wanna come to the Mess, then?"  
  
"Sure." Sam stood and followed Josh out of his office. They walked past Toby and C.J. who were talking outside Toby's office. Sam interrupted them: "Toby, I'm going to the Mess and then I'll be sitting in Josh's meeting with Amy, if you need me."  
  
"O.K." Toby returned his attention to C.J. "I got your memo, by the way."  
  
"Memo, which one?"  
  
"The one about the summit - New deli!"  
  
"Well, good."  
  
"I was just wondering, is it that new place on K Street, 'cos I wouldn't have thought it would be big enough, and quite frankly, I think that the place is a hole."  
  
"Toby, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Toby reached his arm into his office and pulled a loose piece of paper from the arm of the sofa and shoved it right in front of C.J.'s face.  
  
"You've been letting Carol go ahead unchecked again, haven't you?"  
  
"She missed out the 'h'?" C.J. guessed, unable to focus on the piece of paper as it was too close to her face.  
  
"Yes she did. She missed out the 'h'. You should really talk to her about that."  
  
"I should. In fact, I have. On several occasions."  
  
"And yet it still happens. It speaks volumes about your personnel management skills, C.J." Toby said, a grin clearly obvious under his beard.  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
Josh joined Sam at a table in the Mess with two cups of coffee.  
  
"Was it bad news you got?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The call from your Mom."  
  
"Do you know, Josh, I honestly couldn't say."  
  
"Why not?" Sam just sat there opposite Josh, swilling the contents of his coffee cup. "Come on, Sam. What's wrong? I can see it's bugging you."  
  
"Well, it's. so my Dad's moved back home with my Mom."  
  
"Well, Sam, surely that's a good thing. You should feel happy."  
  
"I know I should, but I feel numb. I feel nothing Josh. I am entirely indifferent to the whole thing."  
  
"Man; why?"  
  
"I just don't know."  
  
"How does your Mom feel?"  
  
"She's over the moon. I've not heard her so happy for a long while; since he left."  
  
"Surely that's all that matters."  
  
"It should be, I know, but I guess I'm a little suspicious of him, still. I remember what it felt like when he first left and how my Mom was then."  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
"Mom, what's wrong? Please stop crying."  
  
"It's about your father."  
  
"Dad? Is he O.K.? Has he had some kind of an accident? He's not. he can't be."  
  
"No, Sam. He's fine. More than fine in fact."  
  
"Well why did you call me, Mom, if he's fine?"  
  
"Your father and I have split up."  
  
"Split up. You split up? Why? Why did you split up? How could you do that? He's my Dad!"  
  
"He's been having an affair, Sam."  
  
"I don't believe you. He would never do that."  
  
"It's true."  
  
"No. It can't be."  
  
"He has."  
  
"For how long?"  
  
"What? Oh, I don't think that really matters."  
  
"For how long?"  
  
"Twenty-eight years."  
  
"Twenty-eight years? He's been having an affair for twenty-eight years and you're just telling me now?"  
  
"It's not just you that hasn't found out about it before now, Sam, and I think you're forgetting; I loved him too. I chose to love him, you were born his son; the choice was not yours to make."  
  
"Who is she?"  
  
"She lives in Santa Monica."  
  
"Santa Monica? So when he was away on business all that time."  
  
"He was with her. He was with his other family."  
  
"Other family? Wait. This is too much. Other family? I have brothers and sisters I didn't even know about?"  
  
"Two brothers and one sister, apparently."  
  
"Do they know about me?"  
  
"Sam, how should I know? If I'm honest, I can't even say that I care."  
  
"Don't say that, you don't mean it; you can't mean it."  
  
"Sam, the way I feel toward your father right now, I'd be happier if he had died. If something had happened to him. I trusted him and he betrayed me. He played me for a fool and used me as a convenience: the dutiful wife. I wish that he had died."  
  
"That's not true. You love him."  
  
"I did love him but he's not the man I thought I knew. How can I love a stranger; how can I forgive a person I don't even know?"  
  
"Mom, please don't cry, please don't cry. I don't know how much." Sam broke off, struggling to catch his breath.  
  
"Sam. Sam honey?"  
  
"Sam? Sam, you O.K.? You look as if you've seen a ghost. Give me the phone." Josh had been passing through the Bullpen to see Sam. Josh took the receiver from Sam's tightly clenched hand and calmly spoke into the mouthpiece, unaware of who was on the other end and why they had called. "Hi, this is Josh Lyman. Sam's not too well at the minute, can I get him to call you back. Thanks." Josh slammed down the receiver regardless of the person on the other end. "Sam, buddy, what's wrong?" Josh crouched down in front of Sam and rested a hand on his shoulder to get the younger man's attention. "Who was that on the telephone Sam?"  
  
"It was my Mom." Sam's voice was icy. "My father has been having an affair. They're splitting up. It has been going on for twenty-eight years now, with a woman in Santa Monica and between them they have parented three further children. I have to brothers and a sister, whom I have never met." Sam snapped.  
  
"Sam, calm down. You'll hurt yourself." Sam had balled his fist tightly around the nearest thing to him, a letter opener that had been sitting on the desk in front of him.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
"Sam, calm down. You'll hurt yourself." Sam put down the knife he had picked up (the nearest thing to hand), back down on to the table in the Mess.  
  
"Sorry, Josh."  
  
"You weren't with us there for a minute, you were lost."  
  
"I was thinking."  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't do that, it seems too dangerous. Josh prised opened Sam's hand, the one that had been wrapped so tightly around the knife, to reveal a thin sliver of blood.  
  
"You wanna go and clean that? It doesn't look like it's done any permanent damage. I'll tell you one thing, though, it's a good job that they don't keep the knives in here too sharp." This made Sam smile; his bangs flopped forward over his eyes and he looked for all the world like a forlorn little boy. "Let the anger go Sam. Your Mom has been able to forgive him. You can't harbor this hostility forever. He's changed, he must have. They've both moved on."  
  
"Josh." Donna said as she approached them, her long blond hair strewn over her shoulders, "Your nemesis is here. She's waiting for you in the Mural Room."  
  
"O.K. Thanks, Donna. Before I go, could do me a favor and go find a band- aid."  
  
"Are you all right?"  
  
"I'm fine. It's just that Sam's been a klutz again. Can you meet me back here with it?"  
  
"Sure thing." Donna marched off in search of a band-aid for her boss.  
  
"Sam, why don't you go clean that now, meet me back here, we'll put the band aid on and then we'll go and take down Amy Gardner and whatever dumb thing that no one actually cares about, is bothering her and the First Lady today."  
  
"O.K. Thanks Josh." Sam smiled and got up to go to the bathroom to clean his hand. Josh shook his head as he waited for Donna. He was happy for Sam's parents being able to make it up like that, the only question that remained though, was why wasn't Sam?  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
"Amy, could you, I don't know, stop talking for just one minute?"  
  
"J. ."  
  
"I mean, you've not shut up since Sam and I stepped in here and I know you think you have a point to make but."  
  
"I do have a point to make; in fact, I have many points to make and most of them are issues that the First Lady is concerned about."  
  
"Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Amy, you are not taking me there. You are not hijacking me with Mrs. Bartlet. It really doesn't impress me, you know, you two ganging up on me time and time and time again."  
  
"Well, J, it should, because women make up fifty percent of the population, they live longer than men, not to mention the fact that women constitute a higher number of voters who turn out than men and that's not even mentioning that they are more likely to vote for you. How do you like them apples J?"  
  
"Amy, number one, I know all of what you just told me, I've been in this business for quite a while now and number two, would you shut up, please, about the apples."  
  
"You should support women candidates more; vocally and financially, then they may stand more chance of winning something."  
  
"We do support women candidates, Amy."  
  
"Not as much as the men."  
  
"We support them the same as the men, they both - men and women - receive the same level of support from the White House."  
  
"Why is there not gender parity in the House or the Senate, then?"  
  
"Because not as many women as men want a career in politics. They don't put themselves forward and if the do not do that, there is very little that we can do. Not to mention the fact that we do not possess the majority, in case you hadn't noticed."  
  
"Answer me this; you support Andrea Wyatt, do you not?"  
  
"Yes, Congresswoman Wyatt has our support, often to the consternation of Toby."  
  
"So does Becky Reeseman?"  
  
"Yes. Amy, I don't see."  
  
"Looking at that J, it seems to me that the only women you support seem to have a very close connection with this White House. And while we're on that, I heard about Toby's plan to fill that recess appointment last year with Josephine McGarry. Congresswoman Wyatt is the ex-wife of your Communications Director, Becky Reeseman and her husband are good friends of the Bartlets and while we're on this subject I feel I ought to point out that Josephine McGarry is the sister of the White House Chief of Staff. So, J. How do you like them apples?"  
  
"Amy, what is this thing you have with apples? Would you like an apple? Are you hungry? We could break for lunch."  
  
"No, Sam, I'm fine."  
  
"The apples are just Amy's little quirk, to be honest with you though, I'd be grateful if she latched onto another piece of fruit. By now she must have put a price on the head of every apple in the country."  
  
"Why shouldn't there be gender parity, Josh?"  
  
"There should be."  
  
"Sam, you were brought in here to agree with me."  
  
"No, really, there should be but there can't be, not yet. We do need equality in Congress, we need more women to enter the political process and win seats. Change has to happen over time, though, otherwise you get a lot of freshmen with no idea about the world of politics and much to the satisfaction of cynics, they will fail. Believe me, Amy, they will fail. Nor can we favor women over other candidates, we give them the support that is owed to them and we can do no more, especially if there are just not the candidates. We cannot use all-women short lists, it was tried in Britain and was found to be ideologically flawed. We need the women's lobby to work harder, we need to make sure groups like EMILY's List are still reaching out. Yes, there needs to be change, there will be change, but it cannot come right now and it cannot come straight from the White House. Change, when it comes, will come from people like you, you who stand up there, you who spur women forward and you who show them what they can achieve, when all they have to do is put forward their name. This is how change will happen, and it will, Amy; you know that it will be because of people like you."  
  
"Nice speech."  
  
"Thanks Amy. How much of it did you buy?"  
  
"Very little."  
  
"O.K. But it'll hold you and Mrs. Bartlet at bay for a little while, at least?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"Thanks. Josh, are we done now? I have a phone call to make."  
  
"Yeah? I think we're done. Amy?"  
  
"I suppose it'll do for me for now." Sam stood and headed for the door until he was stopped by Josh calling him back, he turned his attention to his friend.  
  
"Sam."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"It's good to have you back, buddy."  
  
"Yeah." Sam left the Mural Room and returned to his office.  
  
On the way through the Bullpen he ran into Toby, who had temporarily stepped out of his office to top up his coffee mug.  
  
"How'd the meeting go, Sam?"  
  
"It was good."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Are you gonna get on now, with reading all the files that were delivered. I nearly fell over all the stacks of boxes earlier when I had to go and pick up the draft for the President's speech for Wednesday."  
  
"I'll get to it as soon as I've made a phone call."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"O.K."  
  
Sam walked into his office and quietly closed the door behind him. He walked to the back of his desk and sat down in his swivel chair and picked up his phone receiver. For a moment Sam sat frozen in time, then he dialled for an outside line followed by the familiar California number that would reach his Mom.  
  
"Hi Mom? It's me." 


	2. Back To Before: Part 2

PART 2  
  
10 WEEKS LATER  
  
Sam Seaborn's dejected, forlorn figure walked through the hallways of the White House to get to the Communications Bullpen; he didn't look as if he had had any sleep in the past few nights and he seemed suddenly to be twenty years older than he had the previous Friday.  
  
"Sam?" C.J. Cregg said, as her tall form obstructed Sam's route and she herded him in the direction of her office. "Come talk to me."  
  
"C.J. it's fine. It really is."  
  
"Spanky, I can see it's not. You look as if you're going to fall down if you don't sit down before long. Come to my office."  
  
Sam stumbled over his own feet as C.J. led him to her office. She put a steadying hand on his arm and slowed her pace. "Steady there, Sam. One foot in front of the other."  
  
"Sorry Ceej."  
  
"Don't be." Sam stumbled again. "Sam, when did you last have something to eat?" C.J. asked suspiciously.  
  
"I don't. yesterday morning, I had a banana."  
  
"You last had a proper meal when?"  
  
"C.J. ."  
  
"Sam, you need to eat proper meals."  
  
"I had a banana yesterday."  
  
"Sam, in no world or realm does a single banana constitute a proper meal!"  
  
"I wasn't hungry."  
  
"Are you sick?" C.J. made to feel his forehead for a fever, but Sam ducked away, successfully evading C.J.'s hand.  
  
"C.J. I'm fine. I promise you that I am fine."  
  
That would have been a lot more convincing, Spanky, if you didn't look so much like you were about to pass out because you haven't been eating properly." C.J. directed Sam past Carol, through her office door and sat him on the couch. "Tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Sam, have I got to fetch Josh?" Sam flinched a little.  
  
"No. Anyway, he won't be in yet, he'll be having a sleepover with Amy Gardner."  
  
"Ah, did their meeting a few weeks ago lead to a sordid little tryst?"  
  
"Apparently so."  
  
"Well, at least let me see you eat something. I'm gonna go find you a candy bar or something. Sit tight while I see what my detective prowess can unearth."  
  
Sam stayed where he was told as C.J. left the room, closing the door behind her, as she went to look for something he could eat.  
  
Sam compliantly sat on C.J.'s couch as he watched Gail swim around in her bowl, he was mesmerised.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
My father didn't pick up a cocktail waitress, Leo. He's had a woman in an apartment in Santa Monica... for 28 years.  
  
The real question is how did he not get caught until now?  
  
I don't know why you'd think I was like that. I mean, for fun, but... I don't know why you'd think I was like that.  
  
The truth isn't good?  
  
This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion. Of fidelity.  
  
This girl's going to find out who her father was.  
  
It's just there are certain things you're sure of... like longitude and latitude.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
He remained like that for an indeterminate amount of time until he heard the click of the door open; he did not however, take his eyes from the enchanting fish.  
  
"Sam?" a quiet voice said. "C.J. says you're sick and that you've not been eating. She came to steal a candy bar from me for you."  
  
"Look, Toby, I've already told C.J. and now I'm telling you: everything is fine, perfectly and absolutely fine."  
  
"Crap!"  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"It's crap Sam. You are not fine, you know that, I know that, C.J. knows that and most probably Gail knows that too. We all know that there is something wrong; what is it?"  
  
Sam just sat there, inspecting his hands, which were tightly clasped together. His hair covered his blue eyes and the bits of them that could be seen looked dull and lifeless.  
  
"It's a family thing. You wouldn't understand."  
  
"Believe it or not, Sam, I have a family too, and we have our problems, our ups and downs; you were there for me when David was on the Columbia and they were having problems with the payload bay doors. I was married to Andi for several years, which did not end well and we did not live happily ever after. I might surprise you Sam, I might understand. What's wrong?"  
  
"My Dad left my Mom again."  
  
"I thought that she had taken him back. I thought it was over between him and. well, you know."  
  
"So did she, but she didn't like to ask too many questions. She didn't want to put too much pressure on him. She didn't want to scare him off. It turns out, however, that she was wrong. The only reason he went back to her was to sort out his, hmmm affairs, financial and the rest, and to sneak some things he wanted out of the house when Mom wasn't home."  
  
"You're kidding?!"  
  
"I am not."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Why Toby? I knew I shouldn't trust him again. It's just that when he came back, Mom was so happy."  
  
"It's a very mean-spirited thing to do Sam. It's cruel and heartless and mean. I know I'm not one to talk about successful relationships, I mean, just look at me and Andi; but we still get on amicably and I would never dream of ever doing anything like that to her nor she to me. It's cold and capricious, Sam. It's just down right dirty pool."  
  
"I didn't want to believe that he'd changed, Toby. I was mad with my Mom when she took him back, asking know questions, but believe I did. I don't know why I was so stupid; naïve."  
  
"He's your father, Sam, of course you wanted to believe the best."  
  
"He's not my father any more. I want nothing further to do with him. He's welcome to his family in Santa Monica, the lives of his other kids, as he's no longer welcome in mine!"  
  
"Sam?" Sam rested his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands. Toby quickly ran his right hand over his beard while his left hand dipped into his pants pocket and produced a candy bar. "Here, eat this. I'm not gonna promise it'll make things better, but it'll certainly give you a sugar boost that I know you need right now and if it lets me distinguish you from your dress shirt, that would be an added bonus."  
  
"Thank you, Toby."  
  
"Do you want to go home? Take the day off?"  
  
"No, thank you. I don't think that I could face being alone any longer."  
  
"When did you find out?"  
  
"Mom called me Friday night when I had gotten home."  
  
"You've known the whole weekend? And Josh let you get into that state?" Toby sounded disgusted with Josh at the prospect that he had allowed Sam to get in such a bad way.  
  
"Josh doesn't know, Toby. He was away at the weekend. I haven't been able to contact him yet. I don't think I could face him now."  
  
"O.K. C.J. says you can use her office if you want five minutes to get your head straight."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Are you going to be alright for Staff?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"O.K. Just one more thing before I leave you to get your game head on."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Eat the candy bar. And you are going to join me for lunch today, I'm gonna make sure you get something to eat - proper food. C.J. will also be keeping an eye on you, though she can't join us for lunch and between the both of us we will begin feeding you up!" Toby sounded determined.  
  
"O.K. Thanks Toby."  
  
"See you at Staff in five." Toby left Sam alone with his thoughts and the candy bar, quietly closing the door behind him.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
After talking with Toby and eating the candy bar, Sam felt marginally human again, sufficiently so to go to Staff. Sam knew that Toby would tell C.J. about his parents, but he hoped that he would not tell Josh. He did not need Josh to know, Josh probably wouldn't want to know anyway, not with Amy Gardner on the scene.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
Sam walked to the Outer Office to the Oval Office after a few minutes in time for the meeting between the President and the Senior Staff. When he got there, Charlie waved him in. Sam took a seat on the big plush sofa next to C.J., across from Toby. Leo was seated in one of the high-backed armchairs and the President in the other. There was no sign of Josh.  
  
"Sam." President Josiah Bartlet said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your parents."  
  
"Toby told you?!" It was more of a statement than a question. Sam shot a quick glare across at Toby, who had the good grace to look sheepish.  
  
"It may have slipped out."  
  
"And you couldn't shove it back in again?"  
  
"Well, no."  
  
"It's a tough break, kid." Leo said, jumping in to rescue the Communications Director, although he had been mildly amused earlier on (as had the President), when they saw the concerned side of Toby that seldom came out to play. "Toby says you want to stay and work."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"You should go home Sam, you don't look so hot."  
  
"All due respect, Mr. President, but I want, no, I need to stay."  
  
"Leo, are we good to go with the meeting, I have to meet with the Cabinet in ten minutes and I had hoped that some time to read the briefing notes Charlie's just getting me wouldn't be completely out of the question." Charlie chose that moment to enter the Oval Office with a file in his hand.  
  
"Here are the cheat sheets for the Cabinet meeting, Sir."  
  
"I think you mean briefing notes, there, actually Charlie."  
  
"Er, yes Sir." Charlie handed the file to the President and then left again.  
  
"So, Leo, can we get started now?"  
  
"We're waiting on Josh, Sir."  
  
"Yes, I noticed that he was conspicuous by his absence. The room seemed very quiet."  
  
"Anyone know where he is?" Leo asked.  
  
"He had a matinee with Amy Gardner yesterday." C.J. said helpfully.  
  
"Aw. I'll bet he was hoping for a two show day!" The President grinned and Leo did his best not to look too amused by Toby's wry comment.  
  
"We'll go without him. Make him stay after class as punishment for his tardiness, Leo."  
  
"I'd count on it."  
  
"Right. What do we have?"  
  
"I'm meeting with Stackhouse. We need to liaise with him over the opening of the new autism research center in Chicago." Toby offered. "I need to get C.J. in too, so that our two staffs, well, their staff can do what our staff tells them so we can sort out the finer details for the smooth running of the event."  
  
"Do you have time for that, C.J.?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm clear apart from a meeting with Steve. He's sniffing around after something."  
  
"When will I get finalised details, Toby?"  
  
"Seriously, Sir? Probably not until after the thing." C.J. interrupted before Toby had the chance to open his mouth.  
  
"Noon tomorrow at the latest, then we should be able to start prepping you for it."  
  
"What else?" Leo asked.  
  
"I have a meeting with Congresswoman Wyatt about whatever's bothering her and the Ethics Committee at the moment, though no doubt it will be entirely inconsequential."  
  
"What's next?"  
  
"I've got some things I want to run past the Counsel's office on 657, then I'm meant to be meeting with three Congressmen from industrial districts that rely on the key polluting, big corporations for funding, that I'm taking with Josh. We're gonna show them how 657 and the CARE initiative will actually help and not hinder them and their constituents."  
  
"Leo, will Josh be in, because I'm not happy with Sam having to take the meeting by himself?"  
  
"I can handle it Toby."  
  
"I know you can, but us sending our green wonder boy alone makes the rest of us look uninterested and lazy, which in turn makes us look weak. My thing is, will Josh be here?"  
  
"Charlie!" The President called loudly.  
  
"Sir?" Charlie stuck his head around the door that led to the Outer Office.  
  
"Can you find out for me please, if Josh has called in sick, ask Donna, ask Margaret, ask whoever. If no one has heard from him please call his house. When there is no answer from there, call him at Amy Gardner's and tell him that the curtain doesn't stay down if one of the main actors doesn't show up, they fill in with someone else who is just as capable of playing the role and hope it doesn't have to turn into a permanent arrangement! Tell him all that, would you please, and then if he still doesn't get it, tell him to get his ass down here now, and that is a directive from the Oval Office."  
  
"Yes Sir." Charlie went off on the trail of Josh.  
  
The Staff sat in nervous anticipation while they waited for Charlie to return with news on the whereabouts of the Deputy Chief of Staff. The President flicked through his briefing notes for the impending Cabinet meeting. Charlie re-entered the room a couple of minutes later, very apprehensively.  
  
"What news, Charlie?"  
  
"He's just leaving Amy Gardner's now, Sir."  
  
"And he hasn't left before because?"  
  
"He said he was discussing a work thing." Toby tutted and C.J. rolled her eyes.  
  
"Fix this Leo."  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
"Thank you, everyone. It is to my regret that I will have to do something that is one of the least pleasurable of my constitutionally required duties and leave this cosy little group, but I leave on this note; whatever you do to Josh, do it away from this office, I don't want anything that stains being tracked into the carpet. Get to it everyone."  
  
"Yes Sir." C.J., Toby and Sam said.  
  
"I'm gonna tell Donna to send Josh's ass straight over here. Sam, don't go into your meeting until I've finished with him. If it takes that long, send in Bonnie or Ginger and get them to say you're dealing with something unforeseen that cropped up. Thanks everyone." They filed out.  
  
"Sam, come back to my office a moment before you go see the White House Counsel." Toby instructed.  
  
"O.K." Sam followed Toby to the Bullpen as they parted from C.J., who went to her own office.  
  
When they arrived at the doorway to Toby's office, he turned to Sam and said:  
  
"Come in here." He shut the door behind Sam and closed the blind of the glass partition that made his office seem so much like a fish bowl. "Sit, sit." Sam did as he was told.  
  
"What do you want , Toby?"  
  
"Are you gonna be alright in this thing with Josh?"  
  
"Sure, why not?"  
  
"I've seen how you two have been lately, you'd have to be blind not to notice and besides, I imagine he will be insufferable after Leo has finished with him. We all know what an ass he can be."  
  
"It'll be fine, Toby."  
  
"Don't forget you're coming to lunch with me."  
  
"I can't just walk out in the middle of a meeting."  
  
"Yes you can."  
  
"But Josh."  
  
"So Josh'll be pissed. Screw it, Sam, I don't care! Either you guarantee you are going to come to lunch with me or I go to tell Leo right now that you are not fit to be working. I'll come and get you at lunch." Toby walked from his intimidating stance directly over Sam to his desk. He opened a drawer and pulled something out, which he proceeded to throw at Sam. "Eat this now; in here, where I can see you." It was a BLT sandwich Toby had been and gotten from the Mess while Sam had been collecting his thoughts in C.J.'s office.  
  
"Since when did you turn into the nutrition to police, Toby?"  
  
"Since you proved incapable of looking after yourself."  
  
"Touché." Sam reluctantly undid the sandwich wrapper and picked his way through it under Toby's watchful eye. By the time he'd finished picking through it, only a little had actually been eaten, though it was more than he'd eaten for a while.  
  
"Now tell me that that didn't make you feel at least a touch better!"  
  
"It did, a little." Sam admitted.  
  
"O.K. Go do the thing. And don't forget, wait for Josh before you go into the meeting."  
  
"No Toby."  
  
"I'll meet you at lunch." Sam rolled his eyes but said nothing further as he left Toby's office. He walked to his office next door to gather the papers he needed to run past the Counsel's office and began his wait for Josh.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
"Josh!" Donna Moss called to her boss as he walked briskly through the lobby of the West Wing.  
  
"Not now, Donna. I have a thing to do and I have a meeting."  
  
"No Josh, Leo wants to see you."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, Margaret didn't say, but I'm just going on a hunch here that it may be because you are late."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Just a stab in the dark, which incidentally I've heard Leo is trying to organise."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Go see him now, Josh."  
  
"What about the meeting on 657?"  
  
"I've been told not to let you in until you've received further instructions from Leo."  
  
"Maybe I should just go home now before Leo sees me, then I can say I came down with a mystery."  
  
"Just the man I wanted to see." Came Leo's yell from down the corridor. "Get your ass into my office, now!"  
  
"Er. Ahkay." Josh trotted off to Leo's office, wondering what Leo would have to say. He walked through the open door, which Leo slammed behind him, and then each man held the other's gaze for a long moment until Leo McGarry, White House Chief of Staff began interrogating his Deputy.  
  
"Where the hell have you been?"  
  
"I had trouble getting in today."  
  
"You mean you had trouble finding your way out of Amy Gardner's."  
  
"Leo!"  
  
"I was gonna say neighborhood, Josh; really!"  
  
"It won't happen again."  
  
"You're damn right it won't happen again."  
  
"Come on Leo, tell me no one else in this place has allowed their private life into the professional, not even once."  
  
"I don't think I like where you're going here."  
  
"I mean, Leo, look at C.J. Her relationship with Danny almost caused us trouble any number of times, and Sam, I mean, the example par excellence."  
  
"Really, Josh, don't talk like that."  
  
"Come on, Leo; the hooker, your daughter, the way he behaved with Lisa doing the interview, the way he handled the President's M.S. disclosure and to say he didn't let personal interfere with professional when his parents."  
  
"Leave it Josh."  
  
"No, Leo, when his parents split up. You cannot preach to me about blurred lines."  
  
"Josh. Leave it! I will not let you go any further." Leo shouted. "I can't believe you sometimes; seeing Amy's having a very bad effect on you. You really should take your head out your ass. Now, go find Sam and go have your meeting!"  
  
"Yes, sir." Josh left the room with an indignant air, he couldn't understand how one of his regular whines could have provoked such a response from his boss; it seemed to him to be entirely unprecedented but he did not know about the latest 'Sam' development.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
Sam glanced at his watch; 12.30. Toby would be along any moment to collect him for lunch. Sam could tell from the way Josh had been for the duration of the meeting up until that point that he would not be pleased. Sam had spent the meeting attempting to placate the Congressmen, who had been getting progressively more riled by Josh's bad attitude. There was a knock on the door.  
  
"Come in." called Josh. Toby opened the door.  
  
"Can I take Sam for a little while?" Sam made to stand up, but stopped when Josh signalled him to do so.  
  
"If you hadn't noticed, Toby, we're kind of in the middle of something here."  
  
"Yes Josh, I see, but if it wasn't important I would not have interrupted."  
  
"I'm a little hungry." Congressman Reid said. "Maybe we could take a break for lunch."  
  
"Fine. We reconvene in thirty minutes."  
  
"Sam's going to be an hour, Josh." Toby stipulated.  
  
"Well, then. Looks like we reconvene at 1.30 for the convenience of Mr. Seaborn." Josh walked out the room and its other occupants began to breathe once more.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
Sitting in the Mess behind plates filled with food; Toby and Sam were talking comfortably about work.  
  
"Your thing go O.K. in the Counsel's office?"  
  
"Yeah. I think we've now ironed out all the creases and any potential creases that may appear."  
  
"Good." Toby took a mouthful of his food. "How's your meeting going?"  
  
"Well, Josh is on a thing. I think Leo really fired him up."  
  
"Do you think you can save it?"  
  
"I hope so."  
  
"This is why you had to take Sam? Why you needed him?" Josh demanded as he invited to sit himself down at their table. He had gone down to the Mess to grab a quick sandwich to eat while he sorted through paperwork. He had not anticipated seeing Sam in there with Toby. He had assumed that they would be in the office of one or the other of them. "I assumed you both had something important you needed to do. Boy, was I wrong?"  
  
"This is important, Josh. Sam is having lunch with me." In actual fact, Sam was just picking at his food and actually eating hardly anything.  
  
"Of course. Sam." Josh shifted the weight of the focus of his glare to Sam, "Get back to the meeting, and I mean stat." Sam began to stand to leave, as he had done earlier, a parody if you will.  
  
"Sit down, Sam. We're finishing lunch." Sam did as he was told, torn between the contradictory instructions from Toby and Josh.  
  
"What's so important?"  
  
"There were some problems at the weekend." Toby began.  
  
"I mean, I split up with Amy this morning after the best weekend of my life and you two find lunch important."  
  
"You and Amy split up?" Sam asked concerned. "Are you O.K.?"  
  
"And he finally asks. I've needed to talk to you about this all day, but you obviously see lunch as a higher priority than your best friend. That's why I was late this morning, you know; I was begging Amy to take me back. I don't know how I'll go on without her. How selfish are you Sam?" Everyone in the Mess was listening to Josh now, and all eyes rested on him: Sam blanched and sat stock still. Toby looked around.  
  
"What are you all looking at? There's nothing to see here. Get on with. whatever."  
  
Josh stood up and began to leave, turning back to say:  
  
"If you think you could spare me the time, Sam, then I need to talk to you about this." Sam simply nodded. "Don't be late back to the meeting. If you want to see me first I'll be in my office. You could come see me and we could go back to the meeting together." Sam nodded and Josh turned back on his course, leaving Sam and Toby alone at the table.  
  
"Poor Josh." It was Sam that broke the silence.  
  
"Sam! Sometimes you are beyond belief. You had an awful weekend, and by the way you still look like you had an awful weekend; you're pale, you look as if you haven't slept in a week."  
  
"You really know how to make a guy feel good, Toby."  
  
"Seriously, you look pretty bad. At what point during the course of things has he asked you if you're O.K.?"  
  
"He has other things on his mind at the moment."  
  
"Oh come on Sam! Don't give me that crap! C.J. said she thought you were going to pass out this morning and I have to say you really don't look that much better now. He's too caught up in himself."  
  
"Please, Toby; don't talk like that. He's my friend and he needs me. I'm going to go be with him."  
  
"Sam, you hardly touched your lunch, in fact, I'm not entirely convinced you did anything other than chase it around your plate with your fork."  
  
"I'm fine. Really."  
  
"Sam.!" And Sam had gone in search of his best friend. He was determined that although Josh may turn his back on him from time to time, he would not reciprocate.  
  
When Sam reached the Bullpen outside Josh's office he saw Donna sitting at her desk.  
  
"I'm going in to see him Donna."  
  
"O.K. Make him feel better."  
  
"I'll do my best."  
  
Sam knocked softly on the door to Josh's office and slipped in.  
  
"You managed to tear yourself away from lunch with Toby, then?"  
  
"Josh, please don't." Josh nodded an affirmative. "So what happened to make her want the final curtain?"  
  
"I don't know. I thought we both had a great weekend, hell, we both did have a great weekend, Sam, we did the sorts of things that normal couples do; we watched movies together; we had romantic meals and we a had a lot of sex, a lot of good sex at that, then, this morning over breakfast, she said that she wanted us to stop seeing each other. It came completely out of the blue, Sam. I thought we could have had something special, I really did."  
  
"I know buddy."  
  
"Sam, what went wrong?"  
  
"I don't know, Josh."  
  
"I mean, really, what went wrong?"  
  
"It just wasn't meant to be; some things aren't."  
  
"I know you really don't mean that."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because would you have said that about your parents when they split up last year, that it's just not 'meant to be'. I know they got back together, but Sam, you do understand why I can't accept that as a reason, right?" Sam bit his lip and nodded.  
  
"I really am sorry, Josh. I know that she made you happy."  
  
"She did. She really did. Sam; what am I gonna do?"  
  
"I can't answer that for you Josh. I don't think that anyone could."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Do you wanna head back to the meeting?"  
  
"Sure. Let's do it. Sorry I've been such an ass today, but this Amy thing has really knocked me for six."  
  
"It's O.K. Let's go." 


	3. Back To Before: Part 3

PART 3  
  
"Hello. Sam Seaborn." Sam picked up the telephone receiver.  
  
"He's come home."  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Your Dad's come home."  
  
"When?"  
  
"He turned up on the doorstep last night."  
  
"May I speak to him, please." There was a pause on the other end of the line.  
  
"I'm sorry, honey. You're Dad feels very ashamed. He doesn't feel ready to talk to you yet."  
  
"Oh." Sam took a deep breath. "Why is he home?"  
  
"He says he missed me, he missed you. He says he needed to come home."  
  
"How do you feel?"  
  
"I'm happy. There are a million questions I want to know the answers to. I just don't want to push it. I am happy, though. I really think I am."  
  
"That's good." Sam said unenthused.  
  
"You're not happy, though, are you?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't know if I can trust him. How can you trust him?"  
  
"I have to. It's something that I have to do Sam. Do you understand?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess."  
  
"Wait until you love someone, I mean really love someone, not like Lisa, not at all like that, but you love someone with your whole heart; then you'll understand."  
  
"Hmmmmm."  
  
"Sam. I know what you're thinking right now, but don't let this stop you loving anyone, don't ever let it do that. Not everyone is the same as your father; you most certainly are not the same as your father. Don't let it put you off."  
  
"I'm a big boy Mom."  
  
"I know, and I know you. Just remember, Sam, don't let it scare you away from love; you'll make someone a wonderful husband. Then you'll know why I'm taking him back."  
  
"Mom, I've got to go. I'm sorry. I'm needed for a thing."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I'll call you soon, or something."  
  
"Oh. O.K."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Bye Sam."  
  
"Yeah." And Sam put the phone down on his mother.  
  
"Sam?" Josh said as he entered his friend's office and looked around.  
  
"Yeah?" A disembodied voice replied from behind a very large stack of files on the desk.  
  
"I was calling for you a bit ago."  
  
"Huh?" Josh moved around the desk so he could see his friend.  
  
"Sam, didn't you hear me calling for you?"  
  
"No. I was just on the phone. I had a call."  
  
"O.K."  
  
"I was talking to my Mom. She had some news."  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
"Excuse me, Congressman Reid. Could you please stop talking just for a minute?" Josh was panicking now. He went and stood over Sam who was sitting slumped in his chair; he had just passed out.  
  
"What's wrong with him?" Congressman Reid asked impatiently.  
  
"I don't know. Sam? Sam?" Josh just stood in front of Sam's chair; he didn't know what was wrong with his friend and he didn't know what to do.  
  
"Step aside, Josh." Congressman Harding started to approach Sam.  
  
"What are you going to do?" Harding pushed his way past Josh.  
  
"Sam? Can you hear me?" He shook Sam gently by the shoulders. "Someone get me a glass of water."  
  
"Do you really think that now's the best time to take a drink?"  
  
"I'll get one." Congressman Foley volunteered. He walked to the pitcher of water on the small table at the far side of the room, picked up a glass and filled it, then proceeded to take it back to Harding, who had continued to talk to Sam while keeping a firm hand on his shoulder while the other one was on his knee.  
  
"Thanks." Harding took the glass and gently wet Sam's lips.  
  
"Why's he not doing anything? What's wrong with him?"  
  
"Sam, can you hear me? Sam?" Sam began to stir. "Sam? Come on Sam."  
  
"Come on buddy. Come on." Sam's eyelids fluttered a little.  
  
"Sam, do you want to take a little water?" A slight nod of the head. "O.K. Here we go." Harding said as he lifted the glass toward Sam's lips, tipping it gingerly to simply moisten them. "O.K. Take it steady." Sam opened his eyes. "It's O.K. Sam. Take it easy there."  
  
"Sam, what's wrong?" Josh asked. "Sam are you O.K.?"  
  
"He just passed out, Josh, now I don't know about you but to me that is not a good indicator that he is O.K."  
  
"Sam, are you sick?" Foley asked.  
  
"Of course he's sick. Why else would he pass out?" Josh said. Sam was very pale and very shaky, even sitting down. "Do you want to go back to your office to wait for an ambulance, Sam?" Josh asked.  
  
"Don't need one." He mumbled quietly.  
  
"Yeah right." Said Josh.  
  
"He might be better if he sits here a few minutes before he does anything."  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Don't care."  
  
"You might feel better if you put your head between your knees Sam." Sam responded with a nod and Harding helped him lean carefully forward and gently rubbed his back. Congressman Foley with his curly hair looked at Harding, askance.  
  
"What?" He gave a dimpled grin looking a little abashed. "I always wanted to be a nurse or something as a kid."  
  
During this performance, Reid had remained looking stoic in his seat and rather annoyed at the inconvenience of the whole affair.  
  
"Can someone call 911 please?" Josh asked.  
  
"I don't want to got to the hospital, Josh."  
  
"You need to go, Sam, so they can find out why you passed out." Harding said. "You've got to find out what the matter is so that something can be done to make it better."  
  
"Unless you know what caused it!" Josh suddenly grasped the idea. "What was it Sam? You know something. You know why it happened." Sam attempted to sit up and glare at Josh but Congressman Harding held his head down.  
  
"Stay still a while longer."  
  
"Do you want anything?" Josh asked.  
  
"No. Thank you." Sam replied quietly.  
  
"Do you want to take a sip of water?"  
  
"Thanks." Sam said. He took the glass in his hands but they were unsteady so Harding supported the glass. Sam took a couple of sips of the cool liquid. "Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome." Harding turned to Josh. "Do you need a hand moving him? He should be better to take back to his office; somewhere he could lie down would be even better, does he have a couch in there?"  
  
"No. We could take him to Toby Ziegler's office."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"O.K. Sam? We're gonna slowly stand you up and take you to Toby's office so you can lie down, O.K.?"  
  
"Yeah." The Congressman and Josh helped Sam get slowly to his feet, then they threaded their arms around him and began to walk him back to the Communications Bullpen and Toby's office. His legs were incapable of very little movement of their own volition and the two men ended up half- supporting him and half-dragging him between them.  
  
"Oh my God, Josh. What happened?" Donna asked as she saw Harding and her boss flanking Sam; Josh on the left and Congressman Harding on the right.  
  
"Not now Donna."  
  
They got Sam to the Communications Bullpen and took him past a lot of confused staff aides and then to the door of Toby's office, which was shut. Josh kicked it a couple of times and waited for it to be opened. His hands were full of Sam and he was unable to open the door; the arm of Josh's that was not around Sam's waist was holding onto his shoulder firmly, a mirror image of the man to Sam's right.  
  
It was C.J. that opened the door and her mouth dropped open.  
  
"What the hell happened?" She asked as she went to take over from Congressman Harding on Sam's right-hand side.  
  
"You got him?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Thanks for helping." Josh said as the Congressman walked away. He held up a hand.  
  
"Hey, helped me realise a childhood dream." He smiled.  
  
"Thank you anyway."  
  
Between them, Josh and C.J. dragged Sam into the office, where Toby was hurriedly clearing the couch of the papers that he had been going through with C.J.  
  
"Put him down here." Toby said as he helped them lay Sam down. He leaned right back on the couch and closed his eyes.  
  
"I repeat." Said C.J. "What the hell happened?"  
  
"We were in the middle of the meeting and he passed out."  
  
"Dammit Sam! I told you to eat your lunch earlier."  
  
"Sorry, Toby." Sam mumbled and apology.  
  
"What? You know why this happened?" Josh said, pointing his finger accusingly at Toby.  
  
"If you'd taken the time to do so much as look at him earlier, Josh, then you too would have known that something was clearly wrong! In turn then, you may also be able to deduce why what happened actually happened."  
  
"What's wrong with him?"  
  
"C.J. can you get him a cup of something very sweet. Put some sugar in some warm water or something."  
  
"I have a sports drink in my office."  
  
"Get it!" C.J. left Toby's office at a pace and ran to her own to get the sports drink.  
  
"How are you doing, Sam?"  
  
"I feel light-headed, I guess."  
  
"Stay laying down."  
  
"Yes Mom."  
  
"I mean it, Sam."  
  
"What's wrong with him, Toby? I think we should call 911."  
  
"Calling 911 is unnecessary, Josh; he passed out because the only things he's had to eat between now and Friday are a banana, a candy bar C.J. cajoled from me when he nearly passed out on her earlier, a sandwich he picked through and that meal in the Mess that you interrupted earlier and he touched very little of. That's why I made him come to lunch with me earlier, so I could try and make sure he actually ate something, but he felt more loyalty to you and left his meal, add that to the fact that he hasn't slept for days!"  
  
"He nearly passed out earlier? Why didn't you call for me?"  
  
"You weren't here. You were late, you were with Amy."  
  
"Oh my."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"But why hasn't he eaten? Why hasn't he slept?"  
  
"I won't tell you that."  
  
"Toby!"  
  
"You two guys do know that I'm still in the room, right?"  
  
"Why Sam?" Josh whined. Sam tipped his head to face the back of the sofa.  
  
"I got it." C.J. said as she catapulted herself into the room.  
  
"Give it to him." C.J. obediently helped Sam sit up and gave him the drink. "Ginger!" Toby shouted. Bonnie entered the room.  
  
"Ginger had to do a thing."  
  
"Whatever. Bonnie, call Margaret and tell her we need to see Leo for a minute; preferably in here."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Toby? What happened?" Josh whined.  
  
"Josh, we're gonna tell Leo what happened, and then I think that you should take Sam home and put him to bed and while you're doing that you can talk to him. You need to talk to him, Josh, and not about you and Amy and what you did today and you and anything else you may think he needs to know." There was a sharp rap on the door to alert everyone of his presence, it was followed by Leo entering the room.  
  
"This had better be good." He caught a glimpse of Sam on the couch. "My God. You look like crap! What the hell happened?"  
  
"He passed out in our meeting."  
  
"He what?"  
  
"He just slumped and his eyes closed. I didn't know what to do."  
  
"I think Josh should take him home. He can't carry on with the meeting." Toby said.  
  
"Reid's pissed and I think the other two guys are too stirred. It's in no one's interests to go ahead today."  
  
"They O.K.?"  
  
"Harding helped me bring him back. He was amazing. I just stood there not knowing what to do. He took over. He was good!"  
  
"Thank God someone was."  
  
"Amen to that, Toby."  
  
"Fine Josh. Get him out of here."  
  
"But."  
  
"Sam!" Leo cut him off. "Toby, can you do without him tomorrow?"  
  
"Yeah. Not that he would be much use to me like that."  
  
"Yeah. Take tomorrow off."  
  
"Josh, take him home, put him to bed and make sure he has something to eat. I don't just mean get it for him, I mean stand over him and force feed him if necessary." Toby ordered.  
  
"What are you Toby, his mother?"  
  
"Josh, just do it!"  
  
"O.K."  
  
"And talk to him."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'll give you a hand getting him to your car."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Toby and Josh dragged Sam up from the couch and C.J. headed out with them to open any doors they may encounter on the way.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
"Eat the soup, Sam." Josh said, indicating to the tray with the bowl of chicken noodle soup that he had dumped on Sam's knee as he lay in bed propped up by a mountain of pillows.  
  
"Josh, I really don't."  
  
"Sam, eat the damn soup." Sam started to eat reluctantly. "Toby and C.J. are gonna come by later and see how you're doing."  
  
"Yeah." "Sam, why did this happen?"  
  
"Josh!"  
  
"Sam, why did this happen?" Sam rested his spoon on his dish.  
  
"I guess I haven't eaten too much lately."  
  
"You don't say. Eat the soup." Sam picked up his spoon again. "Question is, though, why haven't you eaten too much lately?"  
  
"Stuff."  
  
"Sam!"  
  
"My father left again."  
  
"What?" Sam was about to put his spoon down again but he caught Josh's glare and carried on spooning the liquid.  
  
"My Mom called me on Friday night to tell me that my father had gone again."  
  
"Why didn't you call me?"  
  
"I tried. You were kind of hard to reach all weekend."  
  
"Yeah, I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't apologise, Josh. The last thing I want from you right now is an apology."  
  
"Why'd he leave?"  
  
"To go back to her."  
  
"The other woman?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Why? Sorry, stupid question. That really sucks. Why'd he go back in the first place though; I mean surely he intended to stay with your Mom."  
  
"It really doesn't sound very much like it."  
  
"Why? How'd you know that?"  
  
"Because he sorted out his affairs, removed some things he wanted form the house and when all that was done, he packed up and left once more."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes Josh." Sam defiantly put his spoon down.  
  
"Really? Sam, finish the soup."  
  
"Yes Josh." Sam sighed, answering both question and command in one go.  
  
"He just went back to do that?"  
  
"Yeah. Then I get a call from an old High School friend of mine; Andrew, anyway, he calls me up to tell me that he's sorry about what happened. He also tells me that he ran into him the other day and had the chance to say a few words. Andrew didn't know he'd gone in the first place, so just waylaid him in casual conversation and he told Dave what had happened. Well, Andy tells me he told him that he didn't know whether or not he was going to stay with my Mom at all."  
  
"Looks like he'd already made his mind up about that, though."  
  
"Yeah." Sam finally finished his soup and rested the spoon down in the dish.  
  
"Do you want your tea passing?"  
  
"Please." Josh picked up the mug that sat on the bedside table next to the lamp, the phone and the alarm clock and handed it to Sam. Sam accepted it gratefully and took a sip. "Ugh!" Sam's face took on a disgusted look.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You put sugar in it!"  
  
"Of course I did. You need the energy, now drink it! Are you very upset that he's gone?"  
  
"Do you know? I'm really not."  
  
"Why have you not been eating or sleeping then?"  
  
"My Mom's been really low. She's been very depressed."  
  
"And you want to be with her?"  
  
"No. That's the problem: I think she's mad at me."  
  
"You feeling guilty?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You can't blame yourself."  
  
"I don't blame myself, Josh. Not in the way that you mean. I blame him. I blame her. That's why I feel guilty."  
  
"You blame you're Mom?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because she took him back. I knew she shouldn't have. I knew I was right not to trust him again."  
  
"Sam, you're Mom did the right thing to trust him, as difficult as that sounds. I know it may not seem like it to you."  
  
"Would you take Amy back, after she dumped you?"  
  
"I begged her to take me back. I would go back willingly to her. I wouldn't even need to think twice."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I think that I love her."  
  
"Really?" It was Sam's turn to be incredulous. "You love Amy Gardner?"  
  
"Yeah, well, maybe not. But if I really loved her I would go back to her without hesitation."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah." Josh took a breath. "What your Dad did was wrong, Sam, and I can't believe that anyone would be spiteful enough to do that. I know that you care about your Mom, but you can't blame her; you need to take a step back, get things in some sort of perspective. I think that you should call your Mom. I think that you should talk to her and then I think you should get some sleep before Toby and C.J. come. I don't know what else to tell you."  
  
"That's all you need to say." Sam handed Josh the empty mug. "Could you please pass me the phone?" Josh did. "Thanks."  
  
"I'll just be outside reading briefing memos. Leo gave me a stack, I think it was by way of punishment."  
  
"O.K." Josh picked up the tray with the empty bowl and mug on and quietly exited the room, leaving Sam to make his phone call, then lie down and get some shut-eye.  
  
X ~ X ~ X  
  
"How long's he been out?"  
  
"Since about 4 o'clock." It was now 9.00.  
  
"Has he been alright?"  
  
"Yeah. He ate the chicken noodle soup I got for him and he drank the tea, which had like a pound of sugar in. Man, did he gripe about that!"  
  
"I think we should get him up and feed him up some more." Said Toby holding up the bag of take out in his hand.  
  
"What you got?"  
  
"Chinese."  
  
"Man, it smells good. Let's get Sam up."  
  
"I'll go get him." C.J. volunteered. The other two nodded as C.J. went off to Sam's bedroom. She opened the door softly and crept inside. Sam looked very young and very innocent as he lay there, peaceful in his slumber. She laid a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.  
  
"Huh?" Sam said groggily.  
  
"Sam, do you want to get up for some food. Toby and I bought take out."  
  
"What kind?"  
  
"Chinese."  
  
"I'll be out in a minute, just got to grab my robe."  
  
"O.K. Spanky, we'll get it ready. You come out when you're done."  
  
"Thanks Ceej." C.J. left Sam to it.  
  
"He'll be out in a minute."  
  
"O.K. Did you talk to him Josh?"  
  
"Yeah. I, I, I felt like an ass by the time I was done."  
  
"Took you all that time?" C.J. glared at Toby's quip.  
  
"We talked some things through. I think we're better now."  
  
"Hi guys." Sam shuffled out of his bedroom. "You didn't need to check up on me, you know!" Sam sat himself down in his big armchair. He was still very tired but he felt a little better.  
  
"We didn't know if we could trust the idiot." C.J. said.  
  
"Hey!" Josh exclaimed.  
  
"You ready for some food, Sam?" Asked Toby.  
  
"You bet. I feel like I could eat a horse."  
  
"You won't though, right?"  
  
"No Josh, I will not!"  
  
"How'd the call to your Mom go?" Josh asked as he pulled some plates out the cupboard and took them through to Sam's sitting room, where he placed them on the coffee table.  
  
"It was painful for us both, I think. But we talked out the things we needed to, and I think I feel better now. I understand why she did it; took him back, I mean. She took him leaving again badly but that was still better than me, though that really isn't difficult, but she is still very low. She loved him so completely that she took him back and trusted him again, even after what he did to her, how much he hurt her. I should have realised how great and strong that makes her, not as I assumed; that she was weak and stupid."  
  
There was a silence for a moment that made them all feel a little uncomfortable. C.J. was the one who broke it.  
  
"Can I put the stereo on, Sam?"  
  
"Sure. I think there's a CD still in, though I'm not sure what."  
  
"Don't worry Sam, I'm sure whatever it is, it'll be fine!"  
  
And it was:  
  
Album Title: Ragtime - Disc 2  
Artist: Original Broadway Cast  
Track No.: 13 - Back To Before  
  
There was a time our happiness seemed never ending.  
I was so sure that where we were headed was right.  
Life was a road so certain and straight and unbending;  
Our little road with never a crossroad in sight.  
Back in the days when we spoke in civilized voices,  
Women in white and sturdy young men at the oar.  
Back in the days when I let you make all my choices.  
We can never go back to before.  
  
There was a time my feet were so solidly planted,  
You'd sail away while I turned my back to the sea.  
I was content, a princes asleep and enchanted.  
If I had dreams, then I let you dream them for me.  
Back in the days when everything seemed so much clearer.  
Women in white who knew what their lives held in store.  
Where are they now, those women who stared in the mirror?  
We can never go back to before.  
  
There are people out there unafraid of revealing  
That they might have a feeling,  
Or they might have been wrong.  
There are people out there unafraid to feel sorrow,  
Unafraid of tomorrow,  
Unafraid to be weak.  
Unafraid to be strong!  
  
There was a time when you were the person in motion.  
I was your wife. It never occurred to want more.  
You were my sky, my moon and my stars and my ocean.  
We can never go back to before.  
We can never go back to before.  
  
'Back To Before' from 'Ragtime' Original Broadway Cast Recording. Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens, Music: Stephen Flaherty, Book: Terrence McNally 


End file.
